Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize