the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
