I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize