anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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