dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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