where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
