I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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