Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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