Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
