they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
