I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
