Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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