my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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