Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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