What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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