just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
