just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
