We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
