Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
