he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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