Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize