we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
how does that bad decision feel?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize