Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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