I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
