My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
