tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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