i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
