You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
