He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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