Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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