my phone needs a breathalizer
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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