took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
