Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
