Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
