I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
