Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
