you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
They took my balls.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
