Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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