i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
