oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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