If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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