Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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