it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
