drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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