So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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