I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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