You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
