Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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