Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
there is glitter all over my balls
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
