I faked an abortion last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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