Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
