I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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