Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
