are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
