You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
