If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
