I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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