I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
