is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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