You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
