i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize