She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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