I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Holy sore nipples Batman
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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