You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize