Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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