The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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