I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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