I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
